There’s something that’s been weighing on my mind lately. I’ve tried to think of ways to phrase it eloquently, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there simply isn’t a way. So I guess I’ll just say it.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is here at Portland State now. That sounds like a good thing, right? After all, it wouldn’t exactly be good if I didn’t feel at home in the place where I’m living for 9 months out of the year. But I’m not entirely sure it’s as good as it sounds. In fact, right now I’m quite convinced that it’s not good at all.
It’s not so much that I feel comfortable and at home here so much as I feel like I need to be at home here. Before I moved, I had a very specific idea of what college life would be like. I’d certainly have a good time and work very hard, but I thought that for a while it would be very difficult to deal with not having all my old friends around to talk to and be with.
But when I actually got here…I found that wasn’t the case at all. It’s not that I don’t miss having all my old people around. But I feel almost no compulsion to keep in touch with them. It’s coming up on two weeks since Justin and I have spoken. It doesn’t sound like that much, but it’s quite a deviation from the norm. And Justin is only one example; the same is true for just about everyone else. I text or Facebook someone from high school every once in a while, and I try to stay active on Twitter. But on the whole I don’t feel a strong drive to keep in touch with anyone from my past. Because as weird as it is, high school is my past now.
My predominant feeling on this matter is guilt. I don’t feel like I should’ve assimilated this easy into a completely new environment. I’ve always thought that when you enter a new stage of life, the way you react is a reflection of how you felt about the previous stage. I thoroughly enjoyed high school, particularly senior year. So why don’t I feel compelled to keep in touch with anyone? It’s not so much that I feel guilty for not keeping in touch. I feel guilty for not needing to keep in touch.
Part of may be that, on some level, I can see the futility of it. All the people I knew and liked have shotgunned across the country. If we keep in touch this year, does that mean we’re still going to be friends in 5 years? No. The odds are stacked against us in that respect. Will I still be talking to Justin when I graduate? I have no idea. Perhaps I’m forcing myself to think of this place as home because it offers a sense of security. The people here are the ones I’ll see every day, probably for several years more. I don’t know if the friendships I make in college will feel more permanent than the ones I made in high school. I really don’t know. But I think I’m forcing myself to believe that.
I hate to even suggest that my high school friendships weren’t permanent. At this point, I don’t think anyone actually reads these anymore, but if anyone is reading this, I want you to know that I never thought I’d reach this point. if I had it my way, we’d all still be going to school together and we’d never have to say good-bye. But that’s just not the way the world works, y’know? I’m sorry if you resent me for writing this, but it’s the truth. Or maybe I’m just being cynical. I’ve been having Taco Bell cravings all week, which only happens when I’m feeling unhappy. But as much as I want to deny or rationalize this, I know that the thoughts are valid. There was never any guarantee of permanence.
Now all I can do is choose whether I want to accept that, or rage against it.
