If I had a nickel for every time I’ve told people not to validate their existence through other people, I’d be able to afford a Venti blended white chocolate mocha with extra whipped cream. I’ve told a lot of people, “you can’t base your opinion of yourself based on what other people say about you. You have to get your confidence from within, not without.”
Well, it turns out that I haven’t been following my own advice. This is really hard for me to talk about, because it beckons to my worst side; the side that’s self-conscious, self-loathing, wanting to fit in, and scared of being left alone. It all stems from a simple concept: assimilation.
Las Vegas is really what’s inspiring this blog, because Las Vegas brought up this touchy subject in my mind. I’ve been fond of telling people since I got back that I have a simple math equation for the city: -(Brian)=Vegas [the opposite of Brian equals Vegas]. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s true. That city is everything I wish I was: fun, spontaneous, exciting, unpredictable, sexy. But being in a city like that made me uncomfortable, because I know I’m not all those things.
And for some reason, that makes me self-conscious. I’m not the typical guy, as most of you know. I’d rather crash on the couch with a good book than go play basketball (or any other sport). Sex isn’t a recreational activity to me, not something you do as often as you can then brag to your friends about. I don’t worry about my appearance a lot; I don’t think about what I wear, I don’t go to a gym and lift weights, or anything like that. Basically, I feel like I don’t fit into what society say an 18-year-old male should be. The corollary of that is that society routinely tells me I’m wrong or deficient in some way, and I have a really hard time ignoring that.
I talked to Justin about this, and he gave me the party line: be who you are, don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. It was a helpful conversation and it was a good reminder that I always have at least one person who’s more fond of the real me than, perhaps, other versions of me. But that said, knowing I have to be confident in myself and actually BEING confident in myself are two very different things.
I’m reminded of when Kurt Cobain said that “wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” That’s really one of my favorite quotes. I’ve always tried to keep it in mind, though apparently I’ve failed, because more often than not I wish I was someone else. It’s had at least some noticeable impact on my life too. I think part of the reason that I haven’t dated anyone since sophomore year is because I just didn’t have any faith or trust in myself, so I just stayed on my own.
I’m going to stop writing now, because I have a lot more to say and no good way to say it. My writing tonight feels choppy and disconnected. I realized not that long ago that I haven’t written a poem in years; I don’t even know if I can anymore.
I’ll post an update when I’ve thought about this more…
