My Public Apology
Posted by Brian on May 31, 2008
So, some of you may remember an older post of mine in which I explained my tendency to try and remain emotionally distant from people by acting like a jerk. I realized something related to that over this past weekend:
Sometimes I act like a jerk just because I’m a jerk.
See, I was over at my friend Miranda’s house for a movie night with a few other people, the most relevant of whom was Justin. It started as a good time (I thought so anyway). But very quickly into the day, I started insulting Justin. That’s not a terribly unusual occurrence; he and I have been known to exchange smart-ass remarks from time to time.
But today was one of those occasions where I took it too far. For a lot of reasons, I was feeling very angry and emotionally stressed that weekend. And Justin’s always been the kind of person who will take any abuse you throw at him and not say a word. That’s part of the problem. Because he never says anything to make me stop, it’s that much easier to just take it way farther than it should ever be allowed to go. Plus no matter how obnoxious I am to Justin, he always seems to keep coming back (thank God). I don’t say that in any attempt to deflect responsibility from myself, just to explain. Miranda apparently noticed my behavior, because she mentioned it to Justin later.
I knew what I was doing, because the longer this went on, the worse I felt. I was really taking out all my pent-up aggression on Justin. Another part of the problem is that I never really learned a healthy way to deal with anger other than to take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. And as I mentioned earlier, I feel like I can safely release it on Justin because he’s always come back before.
A couple days later Justin finally said something about it. He said that I’d been acting differently lately, and later explained that I’d been a complete jerk towards him for about a month. He’s right, too. I hadn’t noticed it for that whole time, but reflecting on it now, I’ve been very angry at pretty much everything for the last month or so. I really wish I knew why I always feel so angry. If anyone has any theories, feel free to propose them to me. It’s been troubling me for a while now, because I don’t like feeling so hostile all the time, but I’m not sure what to do about it.
But, the point is, Justin told me that the only time that his social anxiety really acts up anymore is when I act like that. So when I act like that, he basically closes off and starts to feel bad the moment he sees me. That’s what kills me the most about this whole thing. Despite how I may act, Justin really is my best friend. I feel comfortable being myself around him. Coming from me, a very shy person who isn’t always very comfortable with himself, that’s actually saying something. So if I feel comfortable around him, but he uncomfortable to the point that he acts bored to avoid talking to me, then I’ve done something very wrong.
I don’t know if he (or anyone else) will read this. But if he does, this blog is me going on the record saying that I know I’m a complete idiot and that I’m going to do better. And if anyone who has seen me behave like that is reading this, know that my actions don’t match up with my actual feelings most of the time. But that’s a character flaw for another blog. I’ll add it to the list.
Miranda said
Well, I noticed the insults but I thought it was a normal thing, my two best friends make fun of me all the time (though I will admit it’s not always appreciated). One thing you should realize, though, is that the reason Justin reacts to your negativity when it goes further than just jokes, is because he really cares about what you think and say about him, especially in front of other people. What this really says is that he thinks of you as just as much his best friend as you do, thus why he keeps coming back:) you guys have a really close bond, I don’t see that very often anymore. Brian there are a lot of things to suggest why you have pent up anger, it’s something I see and feel from others most often and for very diverse reasons. It seems that because everyone has problems these days, no one much feels the right to express how they feel and others just don’t know how. I absolutely don’t think you’re a jerk and there are several instances that prove this to me, I know how to spot a genuine jerk when I see one believe me:3 First of all, the most basic characteristic of a jerk is the utter inability to take any responsibility for their actions and usually a positive desire to create negative feelings in others. Brian, purely because you wrote this blog anyone can see you aren’t a jerk. You feel bad, you feel regretfull and you don’t like what yor actions brought on. That makes a very good person in my eyes. Acting negatively sometimes makes you human buddy:) As for why, I think it’s because of something you’ve already stated, you act emotionally distant, which means you feel awkward expressing emotion in front of others which also means you’re scared of what they may think of you if you do, welcome to my life. I’m terrible at showing people the real me because for the longest time I hated who the real me was. I was different pure and simple, I liked to read in kindergarten, I had a fascination with learning and I wasn’t always very social because I connected more with adults than children my own age. Needless to say, to this day it’s hard for me to open up. My two best friends changed most of that for me and I’ll be forever thankful, because just like you and Justin, I can be utterly myself around them (a scary thought) and feel perfectly wanted. You are probably angry for more reasons than just that of course. It could be family, it could be something entirely personal but I won’t press that. I have a feeling tough, that you’re always angry because it’s the most expressive thing you can feel, which probably mkes you angrier. They say bottling up your emotions is a bad thing for a reason, which I found out around the seventh grade. I know it sounds hard, but you need to let loose and realize you HAVE a great friend who’ll always be there for you and so you shouldn’t feel insecure about ever winding up alone. With that padding you need to see that there is no more reason to worry that the real you will drive anyone away, frankly if it does then you wouldn’t want to be their friend anyway:3 that was the hardest thing for me to learn. I’ve always wanted to be everyone’s friend and when people didn’t care for me I took it as a personal flaw and felt terrible. When Gina and Andrea came I didn’t care much anymore and more or less let the real me come to the surface, which ironically earned me more friends. You’ll always have friends, you’ll always be a good person and though you don’t have much practice just being you in front of everyone, you’ll be a lot happier once you relax and let yourself be. You probably have very little inner balance (this is not some wierd spiritual hippie quote) I’m just saying obviously inner-turmoil means you aren’t happy with yourself inside so there is no harmony and no equilibrium and obviously that’s enough to make anyone very angry, to the point you outwardly express yurself to those who are closest to you. You won’t find any inner-balance until you decide you’re happy with where and who you are. With the great friends you have it shouldn’t be too hard to decide you can be. There are probably more things in this mix that I’m not aware about, I’ve known you for about two months, but I’m pretty damn sure hating who you are, which you’ve shown by how badly you feel about yourself, is not going to give you any inner peace, hey another perpetuating system, I hate those-_- Look where you are, you’ve got so many behind you, and look who you are, there are many who look up to you, respect you and genuinely feel for you like Justin and more. Just take a breath, release your doubts and frustrations and decide that in the core of things, you’re an amazing person despite any flaws and those closest to you have seen that and have stuck with you, they always will.
Miss 'Liza said
We’re all human, as you like to remind me. I take things out on the people closest to me, also. (As you very well know.) As you remind me, it doesn’t make us bad people, and oftentimes it just means we need to work on something. Talk to a counselor, go for a walk, or talk to someone else. Just don’t forget to apologize to that person for bitchy behavior, and be sure to let them know they didn’t deserve it. And, know your triggers, and try to reduce the vehemence of your response. It takes a looooong time to fix, but apparently it is fixable. But until then, know that a true friend will still love you, Best Friend Brina.
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