So, some of you may remember an older post of mine in which I explained my tendency to try and remain emotionally distant from people by acting like a jerk. I realized something related to that over this past weekend:
Sometimes I act like a jerk just because I’m a jerk.
See, I was over at my friend Miranda’s house for a movie night with a few other people, the most relevant of whom was Justin. It started as a good time (I thought so anyway). But very quickly into the day, I started insulting Justin. That’s not a terribly unusual occurrence; he and I have been known to exchange smart-ass remarks from time to time.
But today was one of those occasions where I took it too far. For a lot of reasons, I was feeling very angry and emotionally stressed that weekend. And Justin’s always been the kind of person who will take any abuse you throw at him and not say a word. That’s part of the problem. Because he never says anything to make me stop, it’s that much easier to just take it way farther than it should ever be allowed to go. Plus no matter how obnoxious I am to Justin, he always seems to keep coming back (thank God). I don’t say that in any attempt to deflect responsibility from myself, just to explain. Miranda apparently noticed my behavior, because she mentioned it to Justin later.
I knew what I was doing, because the longer this went on, the worse I felt. I was really taking out all my pent-up aggression on Justin. Another part of the problem is that I never really learned a healthy way to deal with anger other than to take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. And as I mentioned earlier, I feel like I can safely release it on Justin because he’s always come back before.
A couple days later Justin finally said something about it. He said that I’d been acting differently lately, and later explained that I’d been a complete jerk towards him for about a month. He’s right, too. I hadn’t noticed it for that whole time, but reflecting on it now, I’ve been very angry at pretty much everything for the last month or so. I really wish I knew why I always feel so angry. If anyone has any theories, feel free to propose them to me. It’s been troubling me for a while now, because I don’t like feeling so hostile all the time, but I’m not sure what to do about it.
But, the point is, Justin told me that the only time that his social anxiety really acts up anymore is when I act like that. So when I act like that, he basically closes off and starts to feel bad the moment he sees me. That’s what kills me the most about this whole thing. Despite how I may act, Justin really is my best friend. I feel comfortable being myself around him. Coming from me, a very shy person who isn’t always very comfortable with himself, that’s actually saying something. So if I feel comfortable around him, but he uncomfortable to the point that he acts bored to avoid talking to me, then I’ve done something very wrong.
I don’t know if he (or anyone else) will read this. But if he does, this blog is me going on the record saying that I know I’m a complete idiot and that I’m going to do better. And if anyone who has seen me behave like that is reading this, know that my actions don’t match up with my actual feelings most of the time. But that’s a character flaw for another blog. I’ll add it to the list.
