Senioritis

I have a confession: I’m failing calculus. It’s not something I like admitting, since most of the class is passing. For anyone who noticed, that’s why my display name on MySpace has been changed to “Moron.” That’s pretty much how I feel.

It’s not really that I don’t understand the material, either. Granted, it is difficult and I do struggle with it pretty frequently. I’ve never been good at math. But I know I could have at least a B, because that’s what I got first semester.

My problem is that I don’t feel very motivated. I stopped doing a lot of my homework as thoroughly as I used to around the beginning of second semester. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you just made a connection. It was around the end of first semester that I got rejection letters back from Lewis & Clark University and Willamette University. Those were the two places I really wanted to go, so not getting in there was sort of a blow to my ego.

I think at that point I started feeling like there wasn’t much of a point to working very hard. I’m probably just going to end up going to Portland State University anyway. And there are plenty of people with easier course loads getting worse grades than me who also got accepted into PSU, so what’s the point in trying?

I want to believe that attitude is wrong, but I can’t really think of a reason why. I guess there’s the principal of the thing; that is to say, I should get good grades just because giving up would be morally wrong on-face. But why stress out about something that’s going to bring me absolutely no benefit? Calculus isn’t a requirement for the full IB diploma. It’s a class most high school seniors don’t take, but most take in college. Calculus isn’t going to be particularly useful to me in my future. I just don’t see a lot of reasons to be motivated about in that class. It is just one class.

That’s not to say, of course, that I’m not going to try and pass. I’m going to take it pass-no pass and see if Enoch will let me make up some of the homework to bring my grade up. But I’m not doing it because I think I need to, but rather because everyone else tells me I need to.

That seems to pretty much summarize how I’ve been living my life this year. If it were up to me, I’d sit on the couch and eat M&Ms all day. I pretty much decide my day based on what people tell me I need to to. And when someone does tell me what I need to do, I parse their words and figure out the minimum amount of work I can get away with, and then do that. It just feels like there’s nothing in my life right now that motivates me to work.

I think once I get to college and start studying things I’m actually interested in, I’ll become a lot more motivated. Until then, I’ll just try to get through the next month.

Wish me luck.

Pretty Vista

So I was doing some reading about Windows Vista and its successor, Windows 7, when I realized something:

Vista sucks.

I know, I know, this isn’t a huge revelation. The fact that Microsoft is already rushing to release Vista’s successor before Vista is even widely used says something about just how bad Vista is.

Now granted, Vista is OK for casual users. But for computer junkies who love toying around with things, Vista is Satan. There’s a reason that Vista is appealing to casual users, despite its numerous problems. It’s the second realization I had while reading:

Vista is very, very pretty.

The only person who has disagreed with me on this so far is James, but James is a graphic design fascist anyway. (I kid the James!) So I decided to set about getting all the prettiness of Vista without any of the user-end problems.

This is how my Windows XP now looks. Check it:

There is just something about electric blue that captivates me…it’s so…electric. But anyway, getting this look in place wasn’t a very difficult process. In fact, there’s a whole program that’ll do it for you: It’s called Vista Transformation Pack. It’s free to download, and it does exactly what the name suggests: it takes Windows XP, and makes it look like Windows Vista. It even adds some cool functions of Vista that make XP a bit better. I’m already very fond of the Start menu search feature.

The only snag I’ve been running into so far involves the bundled side bar. For those familiar with Vista, you know that the OS includes a side bar similar to the widgets available for Mac. VTP has an XP version of this sidebar, but it hasn’t exactly been working very well for me thus far. I’m going to try reinstalling it from the developer’s website; maybe the version with VTP is bad.

Update: Yeah, I gave up on the Thoosje sidebar. Google, however, makes the most amazing desktop sidebar. I updated the image above to include the Google Sidebar. The Widgets are all customizable, and there are tons to choose from (you can see some of the ones I have loaded). I highly recommend it.

Update 2: I also found a fun little program called True Transparency that sort of mimics the glassy effects of Windows Aero. It’s not exactly the same, and some might find it extremely annoying. But it’s floating my boat OK. 

But other than that, I love the Vista look without the Vista problems.

Shut up, James.

Death Scares Me

It really, really does.

In case you guys didn’t pick it up from yesterday’s post, our baby horse Brandy died yesterday when she tried to jump a fence. Her neck broke as she fell, so she died instantly. We’ve all had a hard time dealing with it.

Since she died, I’ve been thinking a lot (surprise, surprise). I think what amazes me the most about this entire thing is how quickly it happened. It took her more than four hours to come into this world, and less than four seconds to leave it. One quick moment, and just like that, she’s gone. I can only imagine what she must have seen. If you think about it, you can’t even know that happens when it happens. Take a car accident for example. You’re going down highway 26 at 70 miles per hour, late at night. Then someone waiting at a stop sign, either because he didn’t see you or because he’s tired of waiting, pulls out right in front of you.

Imagine how little time you would have. Would you be able to realize what’s about to happen? Would you have time to think about the afterlife, or even to be scared? I don’t think you would. I’ve been in that situation before; thankfully I managed to swerve out of the guy’s way. But I was definitely rattled. I had to pull over to the side of the road and collect myself. One thing was for sure, the thought that I could’ve died definitely didn’t cross my mind as I was frantically throwing the wheel to the left and slamming the brakes. It’d be even worse if you didn’t know it was coming. You’d just be going along, and all of the sudden there’d be nothing. You wouldn’t even know there was nothing; every bit of your consciousness would be gone from this world.

Plus, because it happened so quickly, it’s like everything went from good to bad in a heartbeat. I was a finalist in Impromptu and one of the 8 best debaters in Oregon. There was more chocolate in the house than there’d been in months. I’d like to note that I have since consumed all said chocolate. I slept until noon, and then spent most of the day playing video games.

All of the sudden, my dad is running through the door, out of breath. The phone rings, and he grabs it. Still out of breath, he explains to whoever it is that one of the horses is hurt and barely breathing. So I go tearing through my room looking for a pair of jeans, and I rush outside.. At this point, as bad as it sounds, I’m praying it’s one of the big horses that’s hurt, and not the baby. But it was…by the time I got out there she was already dead.

And just like that, everything went out the window. No amount of chocolate, no amount of video games, no amount of State awards could make up for the fact that my family’s baby girl was dead. In a matter of four seconds, everything changed.

I know she was just a horse. Some people may not understand why I’m so broken up over this. But I think anyone who’s had a pet die will. Brandy was more than just an animal; she really was a member of our family. We actually referred to her as our baby girl. She was a sweetheart. Some horses, when you pet them, just stand there and let you. But you could tell that Brandy was glad you were there. She would walk up to you when you came into her stall and move into your hand when you touched her.

If it’s this hard to deal with a pet dying, I have no desire to know what it’s like to have a loved one die.

Brandy, 1, passes away

Brandy, the pet foal (baby horse) of the Hettinger family, passed away today at the age of 1 year old. While trying to jump a fence, her hoof got caught in the fencing, causing her to fall and break her neck. Her passing was painless.

Brandy was loved by all who met her. She loved her owners. But most of all she loved life; something all should strive to emulate. Brandy will be sorely missed, though surely she will live on in the hearts of those who loved her.

Rest in peace, Brandy. We love you.

Of Kids and Tigers

(Update: Improved image resolution. And for anyone who’s curious, I have a fair use rationale to justify using copyrighted materials.)

Somehow over the course of this weekend, I’ve found myself reading Calvin & Hobbes comics online. There are really some very good ones. I remember now why I like this comic so much. So I figured for this week’s blog (which will put me back on schedule, by the way!) I’d reflect on some of the wisdom imparted by the two titular characters. These are five of my favorite Calvin & Hobbes strips, and my thoughts on them.

Dreams

This one actually took me a long time to find. I started looking for it after Mooku set an away message with one of the lines from this strip. This one strikes me as noteworthy simply because it’s so honest. It exemplifies the relationship between Calvin and Hobbes, which is (if you ask me) the archetype of a close friendship. Even though the two of them sometimes grate on each others’ nerves, they really couldn’t bear to be separated. The genius in Bill Watterson’s writing is that it accomplishes two dichotomous goals at once: it captures deep and mature ideas in a childish and innocent way. In my opinion, that’s what makes Calvin & Hobbes a great comic.

Big Sunny Field

This one is pretty cool. Watterson pretty routinely took shots at society in general through his comic, though he rarely targeted specific events or people. Rather, he stuck to general societal commentary. This particular strip is one such comment. It’s long been my belief that the simplest of things in the world can generate the greatest happiness. I don’t know how many of you have ever actually taken the time to sleep in a big sunny field, but it’s pretty damn awesome. Getting a new car or having lots of money just doesn’t provide the same kind of enjoyment. It feels good for a little while, but eventually you realize that no matter how fast the car goes from 0 to 60, it’s not going to make your life better. Why? Because there’s more to life than material things. No matter what you buy, you’ll eventually want something better. You get a PDA, you want an iPhone. You get an iPhone, you want unlimited texting. You get unlimited texting, you realize you have no friends to text because you spent all your time working to get enough money for the damn iPhone! I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this quite frequently. And there’s nothing wrong with enjoying material things; but making it the driving focus of your life is a bad idea.

A Best Friend

This is definitely one of my favorites, if only because this is one of the comics where I can really identify with Calvin. Some of you who’ve known me for a while know that I sometimes experience insomnia. Not just that I stay up late, but that I try to go to bed and end up lying in bed for hours and hours before I can finally fall asleep. Usually that will last from a few weeks to a few months. Oftentimes during that time I’m lying awake, I think about the same thing Calvin is in this strip: all my fears and concerns. And, again like Calvin, the darkness and solitude provides very little distraction from those thoughts. I remember one time I couldn’t sleep, and apparently Justin couldn’t either, because he called me at like one or two in the morning. I can’t remember why, or if there even was a specific reason. But either way, talking to him helped. I don’t think we talked about anything deep or anything that had to do with my not sleeping. But as soon as I hung up with him, I fell right asleep. Having a best friend by your side does make things a little less scary. Also, there have been quite a few social situations where I have been more comfortable because Justin was there with me. Even when I’m not with a close friend, just knowing that there are people out there who care for me is a huge confidence-booster. So, yes. Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.

Merry Christmas

This one is another favorite, for obvious reasons. It’s between this strip and the next one for my favorite Calvin & Hobbes of all time. The expression of friendship between Calvin and Hobbes in this one is pretty touching, which is unique for a comic strip. Most comics aren’t this good at invoking emotional responses. But the other cool thing about it is that Christmas isn’t just about gifts for Calvin and Hobbes, nor should it be between any two good friends. For me, Christmas is a time when I can express how much I care about all the people around me, not just a day to dazzle people with how much money you can spend on gifts. It’s a day of love, just like in this strip.

I’m going to introduce this next strip before you actually see it, since anything I could say afterwards would simply diminish its brilliance. It’s actually 9 sequential strips forming one storyline; it’s long, but the ending is worth it. I’ll warn you, it’s very bittersweet (heavy on the bitter). To quote the website where I got this, “What makes [Calvin & Hobbes] one of the great treasures of our culture is its ability to invoke emotions that you never thought you’d spend on a comic strip. This one’s positively touching.” I think everyone can identify with this comic. So here you all go. My favorite Calvin & Hobbes comic:

“…But Don’t YOU Go Anywhere”

Once Bitten

So here’s my make-up blog for last week. We read a poem in IB English class today that got me thinking. In case you didn’t catch it in my last blog, I haven’t been feeling all that hot emotionally lately. I’ve been kind of down all the time, like everything’s gray. I wake up in the morning and have to think hard for a reason to get out of bed, and I don’t really have any motivation to do anything except sit on the couch and watch TV. I said in an earlier post that this blog was going to sometimes serve as my personal therapist’s couch, and now it has the opportunity to fulfill that role.

But anyway, the poem we read in English today was Twice Shy by Seamus Heaney. For the sake of space I’m not going to repost the text of the poem here, but you will definitely want to read it before proceeding. The web site isn’t exactly high-quality, but it does faithfully reproduce the poem.

Now this particular piece of literature probably warrants just a bit of explaining. Combine the title of this blog and the title of the poem and you get an old English expression: once bitten, twice shot. It essentially means that after a person has an unpleasant experience with something, they’re not going to want to try that experience again. You hear it most often applied to relationships (or at least I do), i.e. that a person who just got hurt in a relationship is going to be skeptical of relationships for a while.

As for the text of the poem, the impression I get is of two very reserved people walking down a path along an embankment. There is obviously some romantic (if not sexual) tension between these two people, and as they walk down the path causes of a feeling of “traffic holding its breath, sky a tense diaphgragm.” But both of these two have had bad experiences with relationships in the past, as it says “Our Juvenilia had taught us both to wait, not to publish feeling and regret it all too late.” Their past experiences have taught them that exposing their emotions leads to a bad outcome. They’re once bitten, and now they’re shy; so they simply “preserve classic decorum.” It’s not that they don’t want a relationship; we can see that in the lines “a vacuum of need collapsed each hunting heart.”

To some extent I can see myself in the male character in this particular poem. As you may remember, my last relationship was with Marla Alverson during my sophomore year. And as Matt Reeves so crassly put it, that relationship ended when she “dumped me for Jesus.” No hard feelings against Marla of course; she was an awesome girl and I totally understood her decision. Of course I wish it had turned out differently. That was a good relationship…really, the only real relationship I’ve ever had.

Justin’s theory on why I feel so bad all the time now is that I’m lonely, and that a relationship would give me a reason to get up in the morning; give me something to feel motivated about. But in considering it, I think that makes me a little bit nervous for a few different reasons. First of all I’m worried that a relationship I have now wouldn’t live up to my last one. I guess since I’ve really only had one serious relationship (sorry Chelsea, but we both know that didn’t count) I hold that as my standard now, whether it’s accurate or not. So if a new relationship isn’t like my last relationship, I’m worried I’ll be even more unhappy than I am now.

I suppose I’m also kind of worried that I’m not ready for a relationship right now. That’s how I’ve been rationalizing explaining why I haven’t really pursued any relationships in the last couple years. I’m going off to college in a few years, and I’m guessing whoever I would go out with wouldn’t be going to the same school as me. Not only that, but I have some serious personality flaws to consider. I don’t have a lot of time that I can realistically devote to a relationship. I’m very sarcastic, pessimistic, and reserved; none of which are very good qualities in a boyfriend. And that’s not even addressing the physical issues. I wish they were unimportant, but let’s face it: they count for something. And I don’t have any much confidence in myself in that area.

I know not all my fears are necessarily rational, but I also don’t think they’re unfounded. I’m not sure Justin is entirely correct in his diagnosis, but there definitely is some merit to it and he may well be right; the very fact that I’ve considered it this much is evidence of that. Obviously I have more considering still to do.

Sorry

I know I haven’t been fulfilling my promise of weekly blogging. I’ve been really busy, and it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling really, really down all the time as of late. The CAS coordinator at Gresham telling me I have no future doesn’t exactly help that, either.

I’ll blog as soon as I’m less busy. Hopefully this week will be the worst of it, and after that I’ll have time to sort out my thoughts and get them down on paper. And trust me, I’ve got a lot of thoughts.