Anonymity

Following in the idea set forth by Chris, here is my list of anonymous statements to people in my life:

1. I don’t think you’re as bitter as you act; we both try to act emotionally distant. You’re just a better actor than me. I don’t know if you’d be happier if you opened up emotionally or not. I really don’t.

2. I can see in you a reflection of myself. If I’m the number I hope I am, then I’m honored. I won’t belittle you by saying I think of you as a younger brother…but to some extent I do. Don’t worry; I’ll do my best to stay around a little bit next year.

3. I listened to “Wonderwall” for the first time in a long time today. It made me think of you. If you’ve never heard of it, go listen to it. “’cause maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me; and after all, you’re my wonderwall.” You’re changing, and I don’t think you know it. I should talk to you about it, but I’m scared to. I still lean on you emotionally, though.

4. It seems like you conform a lot. You can be a genuinely nice and laid-back kid sometimes, and then suddenly you turn into the loud uncontrollable version of yourself. I’m not sure if it’s an issue of who’s around or what, but it strikes me as odd.

5. You don’t open up to people very often, huh? Or maybe it’s just me. I thought we could have something once. You’re a nice person, but I feel like things aren’t the same this year.

6. Sometimes, you really just don’t know when to stop arguing.

7. For all your shyness, you’re a really cool person. Genuinely caring of other people, too, which is rare.

8. You’re a very crass individual. It really is OK to turn that off sometimes. Though it is funny. You’re a good kid at heart.

9. I regret that you and I spent so much time not talking to each other. Even if it wasn’t out of anger, it’s regrettable.

10. You’re very innocent and kind. The world doesn’t like that, I think. It’s going to try and take that away from you someday. Don’t let it, please. You have a bright future.

11. Though I act like I’m fine with it, I secretly hate the person you’ve become. And I hate myself for letting it happen to you. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.

12. Your parents are right: you and I are going to be each others’ one-night stand someday, while we’re both getting divorced ten years from now. You’ve changed a lot over the last couple years; some of it for the better, some less so. You’re still like my twin sister though…which makes that first part even creepier.

13. I think you’re trying to cling to something that’s gone. We’re not in middle school anymore. Trust me, I miss those years, and there’s not a lot I wouldn’t give to be that happy again. But I like where I am now. You need to learn to embrace change. Stop being so closed off all the time. If you want to talk…then talk.

That’s all. You can ask questions if you like. And though I won’t guarantee I’ll answer, I won’t guarantee the opposite either.

PostSecret, as a concept, has captured my fascination as of late. I’ll probably follow that up in my Friday blog. I wanted to post this to make up for last week, and because it felt good.

Victory and Defeat: Part 2

Sorry I deferred this week’s blog to Sunday. I had another speech tournament on Thursday and Saturday of this week. Which of course got me thinking again about the subject matter of a previous post. Last time, I couldn’t really reach a conclusion. The best I could do was attribute it to my nature; being hypercompetitive about debate is just the way I am.

But now I think I’ve figured out a more rational explanation. The reason I’m hypercompetitive is that I’ve really staked everything on debate and Mock Trial. I have a reputation for being good at debate. I’ve never been really all that popular, and debate has given me a place where I feel like I belong; basically, it’s given me a place where I know people respect me, because I’m good at what I do.

So when I don’t win, I worry about that position. Most people who know me from school seem hold this opinion that I’m an amazing debater, or that I’m really good at Mock Trial. I guess I feel like I have to live up to that opinion. It’s not just that I expect myself to win; it’s that other people expect me to win. And if I don’t, I worry that my friends will lose respect for me. Justin especially, I know some degree of his respect for me is based on the fact that I don’t suck at debate. If I don’t win, will people respect me as much?

I also worry about the respect that my teams have for me. I’m the captain of Mock Trial and debate, and especially on Mock Trial, I’m the one people go to when they have questions. I feel like I have to win in debate, or I have to do well in Mock Trial, otherwise I’ll lose that respect that my team has for me. I’ll lose that place my team has placed me in.

Are those fears entirely rational? No, probably not. I don’t think they’re unrealistic, either, but they’re probably a little melodramatic. But it least they explain why I’m so paranoid about losing. I don’t know that it’ll change anything, but knowing is always good.

Old Journal, Old Me

So I found myself looking through my old Xanga entries today. Normally I’d link to my Xanga, but some of what I wrote is a little bit embarrassing, so if you’re motivated enough, go find it yourself.

After 20 minutes of sitting in front of the screen, with the above paragraph written, I think I’ve finally realized that I don’t have a lot to say tonight. Things have been pretty calm in my world lately; though reading those Xanga entries has made me realize how much I’ve changed. I used to concoct drama for myself, I think. Not exactly a healthy habit, but something I think a lot of people do.

I asked a few people, who’ve known me all through high school, how they think I’ve changed over the time they’ve known me. The answer from all of them was pretty much unanimous: I’m less shy. I saw a great T-shirt on the xkcd store that said “NOT ANTISOCIAL. Just shy (You can talk to me!)” which pretty much epitomized my personality freshman year. I didn’t really talk to anyone outside my little comfort zone. I still do that to some extent; whenever I’m an unfamiliar/uncomfortable situation, I tend to stick closely to Justin. But I’m definitely a lot more outgoing. This year especially, I’ve cultivated a few friendships that before might have just been another kid sitting next to me (James, I’m looking at you). As I think about it, I kinda realize how important that really is. Every friendship really starts out, if you think about it, with one person reaching out to another. Even the best of friends were complete strangers at one point; the trick is that one of those two people went out on a limb to say something, even if it was just “hello.” Justin and I might not have been friends had he not started talking to me at a speech and debate tournament one day; and just look how that’s turned out. I’m glad I’m not shy anymore. I really do enjoy talking to people, and I’ve made such amazing friends over the years just through starting a conversation.