Damn It

I got rejected from Lewis & Clark.

I guess I’m just another C student after all.

An Emotional Peninsula

I’m gonna come right out and say it: being emotionally dependent on other people scares the hell out of me. Just something about it makes me uncomfortable.

It’s a problem I’ve raged against all my life, and yet it still takes me a long time to trust people with my feelings. I’ll admit it, this blog is part of my self-crafted treatment for this problem. The ideas I blog about are general and not just specific to me, but I often talk about my own feelings, which makes me nervous sometimes.

But the more I think about that, the more I start to think that this is a very interesting phenomenon. Why are we so afraid to get close to people? According to a study published in the American Sociological Review in 2006, the number and quality of friendships of the average person has been decreasing since at least 1985; 25% of Americans say that they have no one to confide in.

Why?

It seems to me that, as of late, we have become a culture obsessed with getting hurt emotionally. I use the word ‘obsessed’ in the sense that we’re always thinking about it because we’re always trying to avoid it. Just take a look at…well, just about any entertainment medium. Popular music is generally focused around emotional pain and trauma; I can’t remember the last time I heard a song about a person who was in a good relationship. Most songs are about broken dreams and lost loves and the resulting emotional pain. Even most romantic movies have at least one part where the main character has her heart broken. It seems that books and movies with cynical, disenchanted characters are becoming more and more popular.

All of that shows that our society is absolutely terrified of getting hurt. And for good reason: getting hurt by someone you trust seriously sucks. I know that. Not because I’ve been terribly hurt, but because I’ve hurt people who trusted me. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’d be lying if I denied it.

Justin posted a blog a while back. He quoted a friend of his saying that “as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will.” That doesn’t have to be true, but it is. This isn’t even in the realm of relationships anymore; I would consider the one person who’s never supposed to let me down to be my best friend Justin. Will there really come a day when he’ll abandon me when I need him? I hope not.

So why are we a culture of betrayal? I think it’s because we’re a culture based around protecting Number One. The reality is that most people, when faced with a choice between helping someone and helping themselves, will choose to help themselves. It’s human nature. Self-preservation is the first instinct of just about everything with a brain stem.

So, as a result, most of us become emotional peninsulas. We find one, maybe two people that we can really trust and confide in. Other than that we keep to ourselves. And if that one person betrays our trust, we break off and become completely independent. I know that’s how I am, anyway.

But does this really increase the quality of our lives? I really value my friendships with Justin and Chris. I wasn’t really close to either of them until last summer, when I talked to Justin about my tendency to stay emotionally distant. I resolved that day to stop that destructive tendency. And I can tell you that when I stick by that resolution, I’m noticeably happier. The only thing being emotionally distant does for us is make us feel safe. It doesn’t make us happy; at least, it sure as hell didn’t make me happy. We may think we’re avoiding getting hurt, but is that worth never being happy? Maybe you have to take risks to be happy. Maybe you have to get hurt before you you can really be happy.

All I know is that being distant made me unhappy. So I have a recommendation for all of you: don’t be scared of being vulnerable. You can’t be happy that way.

Using RSS Feeds

UPDATE: With the new style I’ve applied to this blog, you can now subscribe to this site’s RSS feeds simply by clicking “Entries (RSS)” on the right side of the page, under the “Subscribe” heading.

As some of you may remember, I mentioned in my first entry on this site that WordPress has a feature called RSS Feeds. It’s really quite a cool feature, so let me offer a few resources on how to use it. RSS is easily the easiest way to keep up with everything on the internet, so I suggest that everyone learn how to use it.

The one advantage MySpace has over WordPress is that MySpace can automatically notify your friends when you post a new blog. RSS is the way services like Blogger and WordPress notify subscribers of new content.

RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication, and it’s used all over the internet, from person blogs to news services like Reuters. It generally works like a regular Bookmark in your browser, but it lets you know when there’s new content available.

RSS Feeds work in both Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox. Here are a few resources explaining how to use RSS Feeds in both:

In Firefox
MozillaZine: Using Live Bookmarks
Mozilla Firefox: RSS web feeds and Live Bookmarks

In Internet Explorer
www.getfirefox.com Oh come on! You’re using Internet Explorer.
Internet Explorer 7: Using RSS Feeds
You can also check the Help files for more information

So, now you all have a more lazy way to keep up with this blog!

As Time Flies By

I’ve realized that I really enjoy blogging. It’s really quite relaxing to sit down in front of my laptop with a cup of tea, and get my thoughts out in an organized manner.

I’ve been thinking quite a lot lately. Mostly about how time affects our lives. I’ve been realizing more and more that, no matter how hard you try, things don’t just stay the same.

I was hanging out with Luke and Alex the other day, and it got me thinking about the way people live their lives. I’ve known Luke and Alex both since elementary school. Before Jake moved to California we were all practically inseparable. We’d hang out at each others’ houses and stay up all night playing video and generally being middle schoolers.

But I’ve changed since then. Being with Luke and Alex the other day made me realize that. All three of us are different. That’s been kind of a problem; my friendship with those two people was based upon who we were then. Now that those people are essentially gone, it’s hard to feel the same way towards them as I did before. It’s almost like time has stole my ability to have the same relationship I had with them before. Now don’t get me wrong, both of these guys are awesome people. And I still have a really good time when I hang out with them. It’s just not the same as it was in middle school.

It’s sort of bothering me. I used to have a lot of fun with them, and it was obvious that we were all fairly distressed by how things have changed. I find myself faced with a harsh reality: I may soon find myself saying a final good-bye to them, as I continue to mature and change. I find that to be something that draws closer and closer with each passing moment. Not just good-byes to Luke and Alex, but to a large group of people whose company I truly enjoy.

Thinking about good-byes reminds me of Merlin, from T.H. White’s The Once and Future King. As some of you are probably familiar, Merlin is a character in the story of King Arthur who, in T.H. White’s novel, had the unique affliction of living backwards. He remembered the future but not the past. For Merlin last good-byes were joyful, while first hellos were tearful and bittersweet. Can you imagine what that would be like? At a last good-bye, your best friend would be so sad and you’d have no idea why. And for you it’d be the beginning of a great relationship.

To some extent, I think a lot of people live like Merlin. They don’t literally live backwards, but they act as if they do. I realize now that I’m guilty of that. I’m so focused on having to say that last good-bye to Luke and Alex that I’ve forgotten to think about the amazing times we all had together. The end of something is always sad. There wouldn’t be that sadness if that thing had never happened, but there would also never be the happiness that came before the end.

That’s the advantage Merlin had because of how he lived his life. He always saw the end first. If the end is sad, Merlin knows that the relationship to come is going to be a good one. In a way, we get the same advantage. We all have to say good-bye to our loved ones eventually; that’s an inescapable fact of life. The end is always sad, and it always should be sad. But the sadder the ending, the happier the memories are to look back on.

Time does change relationships. That doesn’t mean we can’t fight to keep our loved ones in our lives. We should, and I fully intend to hold onto everyone I care about. But even when time sends two people down separate paths, there’s still great joy in the fact that those two people were ever on the same path at all.

2007: Do Not Go Gentle

So, it’s officially 2008. The start of a brand new year, which of course means the end of an old one. That’s another recordable 365 days of my life gone by. This was a really good year. I know nobody reads this yet, but I think it’s important to recognize all the people that have made a difference in one’s life.

 I got halfway through this blog and realized something: 2007 was my last full year at home. In 2008, I’ll graduate from high school, go off to college, become a legal adult…A lot is going to change this year.

I said from the beginning I was going to make this a more personal blog, with no attempt to hide my thoughts. Well, here y’all go.

Justin
Mooku and I were talking the other day about people who we are “supposed” to meet, for one reason or another. That’s kind of how I feel about you. I’ve said before that I’ve come to think of you as a surrogate brother, and I stick by it. There’s really no one else in my life who calls me at 1 A.M. and just wants to talk. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s really cool. It makes me feel…I think needed is the right word, but appreciated would also fit. It’s hard to describe my friendship with you. Don’t ever change, OK? You’re awesome just the way you are.

Chris
Remember that Christmas card? Well, I really trust you too. I don’t ever worry about talking to you about my problems. You should know that I’m always here if you need advice or anything, and that’s going to stay the same all through 2008. You’re a wise kid, and you’re gonna get far in life. I can see myself in you to a certain extent. Carpe diem, Christopher.

Mooku
Were you expecting a place on this blog? You got one. You’re really insightful. I learn a lot about myself from talking to you, even when we’re not talking about me. Remember when you used to be Dr. Mooku and act like my psychiatrist? Well, that never really stopped. You probably know a lot more about me than most people do. You’re a really light-hearted and happy person, and no matter what anyone may tell you, that’s definitely a good thing. You’re an easy person to trust and confide in. No matter what you decide to do with your future, you’ll be successful at it.

Everyone
There are a lot of important and cool people in my life. Chelsea, Abbi, Luke, James, Alex, Amy, Amanda, and all others. I could spend the rest of 2008 writing about all of you. You’ve all changed me in a way that is both significant and desirable. I’m better for having known all of you. I would be so much less mature had I never met even one of you.

2007 In Hindsight
This was an amazing year. I forged new friendships, and grew deeper in old relationships. I can’t wait to see what 2008 holds for me. Where will the future see me going? What choices will I be faced with? Who will I be on December 31, 2008? Only time will tell. But I know one thing: I don’t intend to lose any of you to the new year. That, my friends, is a promise.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night – Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.